Then, Now and Later

Several months ago it occurred to me that I may never get married. Looking back it’s impossible to say where that realization came from but all-in-all it didn’t really bother me.

 Until, that is, I started to think about the future. Suddenly I was suffering from the fear of what could only be described as eventual loneliness. I am okay for now, but who wants to be alone when they’re 50, 60, 70 or 80 years old?

I needed a plan.

At least that is how my mind works. If something starts bothering me I just try to think my way out of it. If- after all- fate and destiny were going to place me in a position to be alone- I would just design a way to live without be lonely.

What would that look like?

With pen and paper in hand I started to write out a vision of my single future.  What would I want to do? How would I keep busy? There was always travel- plenty of places to go and see. My hand started to make a list; Ireland, China, France….and that’s when things came to a screeching halt.  The paper was instantly crumbled and tossed away. The project had come to a premature end.

You see, the problem was really two fold. First, who wants to travel all by themselves? Where’s the fun in that? Writing out the list of countries this image of standing in front of the Eiffel Tower appeared in my mind.  My arm was stretched out as far as it could go. My hand was holding a digital camera trying to capture a photograph of myself. Gosh, that seemed so horrible!

Even worse was the realization that I was committing a sin that has plagued my life for years.  Oh, I know I’m not alone. A lot of people have this problem. At the risk of sounding sexiest, it’s been my experience that men tend to struggle with this far more than women. I am speaking of the inability to live in the now.

Many of us are to busy trying to live in the future. We convince ourselves that we alone- not God- have the power to determine how events will shape up. If we come up with the right plan, dedicate ourselves, work hard enough, give it all we have- then we follow the fallacy that we really can control our destiny. To those of us who struggle with this line of thinking the future holds the key to happiness. The years ahead will lack the kinks and shortcomings that get in our way now.

There is an obvious problem with this line of thinking. As long as you live in the future then the future never becomes the present. You’ll never arrive. Your happiness is always around the corner, a flip or two of the calendar ahead.

Others prefer to live in the past. On the surface, since one knows how it all works out, this seems like a safer option. And yet these are some of the saddest people you will ever meet- even if they are remembering their happiest  days.

  Go into a bar, a watering hole, and chances are you’ll see a person who’s stuck decades behind. It won’t take much before they start telling you about that million dollar sale they once pulled down, or that catch in the high school football championship that sealed the game, or all the women they’ve known. It doesn’t matter when the stories took place, how many years have passed, or even if there true, you will hear them with such detail that it’ll sound- almost- like it all took place the day before.

The tragedy here, for these people, is that life is all behind them. The older they get the further they’re removed from all the glory. No matter how well the stories are told the memories become more and more of a shell game. One is left to wonder if what they longing for ever really existed- ever really happened- in the first place.

I don’t know how to live in the now. I really don’t. And if there was one thing I could change about myself it’d be that deficiency.

All of this was on my mind last night. It seemed like a good topic for New Year’s Eve.  I am not someone who makes resolutions- but change does seem easier to embrace on December 31st.

 No longer am I going to invest time on years from now. This year I am going to invest it on the now. I don’t have to wait to be the person I going to become- in 2009 I ‘m simply going to try being him

It’s all getting underway in the morning. Like 5am! This year- Saturday and Sunday’s excluded; I am going to get out of bed early. No more snooze alarms. Who knows what I am going to do with those extra hours, haven’t figured that part out yet,  but those who I admire the most are all morning people- and in 2009 I am going to convert and join their ranks.

Being funny is no longer going to be a priority for me. You see, too often in 2008, and in the years before, the laughter came at someone else’s expense.  This year any witty, cutting remarks, delivered with impeccable timing will be the result of self deprecating humor.  God knows my life provides plenty of material that I really don’t need to look anywhere else

I am going to be more generous this year. Specifically I mean with money. I’ve always wanted to be a giver, but put it off because…well…money doesn’t grow on trees. Maybe the most generous of people are those who have to budget their gifts.

I want to entertain more in 2009. Some of you will be getting invitations to come over for dinner parties or to play cards. Of course to do this I am going to have to keep the place neat, so this year I am really going to embrace cleanliness too.

I just found out yesterday, through the grapevine, that Bobby Burkhart got engaged. I’ve known him since we were four years old, but haven’t talked to him in years. I am going to write him a letter of congratulations. You see this year, whether through letter, email or phone call- I am going to make it a point to reach out to old friends and to bring them back into my life.

And I am going to make it another point to make new friends. Right now those who are in my life either work with me or attend the same church. Wilmington is a big community and a growing city- and I need to reach out here too.

I am sure during certain moments I will still think about the future, still plan for it- come up with places in this world I want to go…and perhaps that’s all okay. The difference is I am not going to put off living until I get there.

This year- somehow, some way- against every knee-jerk reaction and fiber in my bone, I am finally going to be in the now.

Happy New Year